One Perfect Moment

I was at work today, putzing around as usual, when a memory just popped into my head. I don't know why, I certainly don't know what spurred it, but it made me smile. After having a crappy day at work, I needed a smile, however brief. Anyway, it was about me playing the Horn. I know, I'm not the best horn player in the world (don't I wish!), but there was one time where I was great and everyone heard it. It didn't even feel or sound like it was me playing. It was effortless. And it sounded perfect. :-) This was during Symphony Band, when Sid was directing (I still miss him!), and I was in second chair (this was the second-chair-by-default semester). For some reason, Josh (first chair) wasn't there and he had a very short -maybe two measures- horn solo. I still remember how it goes, but I can't remember the title or who composed it for the life of me. Well, they needed someone to fill the gap, so I played it. I was extremely nervous and was surprised I got any notes out at all! Anyway, I played it and it was flawless! Everyone just looked at me. . . and Sid smiled. That was such a great day. I'm smiling thinking about it right now.
I love memories like that. . . :-)

The Light in the Piazza

We just saw a live version of this musical/opera on PBS the other day. It was sooo good! I hesitate to call it a musical, even though it is under the musical category, since many of the songs are operatic in structure and style. They sound more like arias and recitatives. But that definitely does not fetract from my enjoyment of it at all! I thought it was wonderful. Starting even before the Overture, where they tell you to turn off your cell phones, etc. (they did it in Italian!) until the very last tableau (ooh, big word!), it was amazing! And I really connected with the story of Clara. In some ways, I feel a lot like her: very naive about things, both socially and personally. I also feel like her because I always think, in some paranoid corner of my mind, that people go around behind me and preceeding me saying that I'm "special", and that is why people humor me when I talk to them or ask them questions.
If someone were to read through all of my posts here, they would think I have some serious personal issues. . . And they would be right.
But seriously, I am not very comfortable with myself or how others perceive me, I have low self-esteem, and no confidence whatsoever in my capabilities. I need a complete "Me" makeover. . .

Title change?

I had seriously thought about changing the title of my blog here, but it just seems like too much work and ya never know if it'll just delete everything, so I'm not gonna chance it. I was thinking of changing it to Anonymous Nessarose. Seems to fit better than Colwen Grounds.
Anyway, nothing new here. Momma, Daddy and Jimmy are leaving to go up to Georgia to visit the Hurlburt trio and to do some other assorted things. They left us with Peadut. Yes, you read that right. "Peadut." That's what Bailey used to call Peanut, and I've kinda taken over with that. So we get to pet-sit him for a week. Should be interesting. Skittles hates him, and is still hiding behind the rocker next to the door, and Zero is perched on top of the couch closest to the wall air conditioner. Haven't even seen Anya; she's hiding on top of the Cedar Robe in Joanna's room. Kit is the only one who is interacting with him. They've picked right up where they left off: Peanut annoying Kit, and Kit taking it.
Time to go to sleep. Here's hoping the dog doesn't pee in my bed. . .

A Bit Insecure

I don't know why, but I am insecure about a lot of things. One being other girls. I know, I sound like some freak for saying that, but for some reaon, I'm more comfortable around guys than girls. Like at work, when we get new people, I'm always shy, but if it's a girl, I get even more shy and a twinge jealous. It's weird, but I almost feel as though another girl would take away my friends, or cause them to like her more than me.

And I have to have something unique about myself. In my family, it's playing the French Horn. True, two of my other sisters played in high school, but I'm the only one who continued through college (though I haven't seriously played or practiced in about a year or so since I'm not in any ensembles). That's my special thing. At school, it's not so special. I'm low man on the totem pole at USF. I was almost wearing butt marks into the last chair seat in Symphony Band until some of the higher-seated students left and I got second chair by default. I'm not saying I completely suck, but I'm really not that great. Anyway, I feel like I have to special at something, and when someone new comes along, that threatens my specialness. I already feel like a wallflower in everything I do. Why can't I be genuinely good at something and be happy? Am I always going to be mediocre? I know other people are always going to be better at things than me, but I want to be actually good at something!

At work, I always feel a little (okay, a lot!) jealous of the dancers that come into the breakroom. They're always so pretty and they're so talented. They're doing something that they love. I feel like Eponine to their Cosette, always hoping for a little recognition that never comes. In my paranoid mind, I feel like they're judging me; looking at my baggy, high-waisted pants, my printed shirt, my always-fashionable dirty apron, my hair pulled up and falling down, and the piece de resistance: my almost-to-the-elbow yellow rubber gloves! Why can't I do what I want to do? Why can't Busch Gardens have a live ensemble so I can use what little talent I have? Oh yeah, because someone more talented than me will come along and audition for the seat and get it with flying colors! Is it sad that sometimes I just want to scream "I'm a musician!" when I'm at work, so that someone passing by will not think that I'm looking to make a career out of cooking fries, cutting chicken and washing pans?