A Bit Insecure

I don't know why, but I am insecure about a lot of things. One being other girls. I know, I sound like some freak for saying that, but for some reaon, I'm more comfortable around guys than girls. Like at work, when we get new people, I'm always shy, but if it's a girl, I get even more shy and a twinge jealous. It's weird, but I almost feel as though another girl would take away my friends, or cause them to like her more than me.

And I have to have something unique about myself. In my family, it's playing the French Horn. True, two of my other sisters played in high school, but I'm the only one who continued through college (though I haven't seriously played or practiced in about a year or so since I'm not in any ensembles). That's my special thing. At school, it's not so special. I'm low man on the totem pole at USF. I was almost wearing butt marks into the last chair seat in Symphony Band until some of the higher-seated students left and I got second chair by default. I'm not saying I completely suck, but I'm really not that great. Anyway, I feel like I have to special at something, and when someone new comes along, that threatens my specialness. I already feel like a wallflower in everything I do. Why can't I be genuinely good at something and be happy? Am I always going to be mediocre? I know other people are always going to be better at things than me, but I want to be actually good at something!

At work, I always feel a little (okay, a lot!) jealous of the dancers that come into the breakroom. They're always so pretty and they're so talented. They're doing something that they love. I feel like Eponine to their Cosette, always hoping for a little recognition that never comes. In my paranoid mind, I feel like they're judging me; looking at my baggy, high-waisted pants, my printed shirt, my always-fashionable dirty apron, my hair pulled up and falling down, and the piece de resistance: my almost-to-the-elbow yellow rubber gloves! Why can't I do what I want to do? Why can't Busch Gardens have a live ensemble so I can use what little talent I have? Oh yeah, because someone more talented than me will come along and audition for the seat and get it with flying colors! Is it sad that sometimes I just want to scream "I'm a musician!" when I'm at work, so that someone passing by will not think that I'm looking to make a career out of cooking fries, cutting chicken and washing pans?